GUEST POST: TOM de SPAIN

Greetings from Prague! Senor Tom speaking. You may remember me from BB&N class of ’04, AEPi Tau chapter at THE Vanderbilt University, or La Escuela Secundaria de Triana, 08-09. Whether you know me personally, or are just some hippie from Portland or trendy New Yorker that I’ve never met, yours truly is now accompanying the road-weary monesplye on a whirlwind tour of Europe. As some of you know, I have spent the year teaching English to little Chiwalla Spaniards, and this trip has been partially organized to relearn the English language and regain some of the wit I have invariably lost in 9 months without any exposure to dry American humor, save the occasional American movie dubbed in Spanish. As monesplye have reported, the trip has gotten off to a great start. Our first night at YAB (You Are Beautiful) with our tour guide Mark Anthony was hilarious and fun. One aspect of the club that mones left out was that the clientele was exclusively made up of extremely thugged out black guys wearing tall T’s and flat brims, and drunk rich American girls wearing what we are all used to drunk rich American girls wearing. I hadn’t seen that unlikely combination work so well since AEPlaid. Interlaken was awesome, probably more fun, but in a completely different way. Our days of wandering around world-famous churches and museums without actually entering any of them turned into afternoons spent climbing down canyons and swimming in turquoise glacial lakes. Our trendy nights sipping aged Chianti in Tuscan Villas or sucking down 9 dollar ‘tails in clubs with laughable names in Florence became pregaming with a vodka and fanta and getting close to blacked out in the smoky basement dive bar whose special was a huge draft beer with a shot of vodka poured into it for 6 euros. Splye explained most of our stay in the Swiss Alps in his blog post. But he didn’t fully capture the hilarity of me and mones dragging him on a 3 hour hike in the pouring rain. There was a point near the top where the trail would change direction every 30 feet or so and become slightly steeper. At this point he just completely stopped interacting with us and put a miserable look on his face (moody splye) and every time he turned a corner he would mutter some string of unspeakable phrases about how miserable he was. He then forced us to take a break and explained that he “hadn’t had so little fun since taking practice SAT’s the summer before senior year.”
But ANYways, we got to Munich 2 days ago in the afternoon ready for the legendary nightlife. I had the misfortune of leaving my ipod on the train and the further misfortune of not realizing it until we got to the hotel, so I spent 20 minutes searching the train and asking help desks if they had found it. It eventually was recovered so the only damage done was to the new mature/responsible post-college image I was trying to portray. Monesplye 1, post-college Tom 0. After we got settled in our hostel and I convinced monesplye that exploring the city a little before we go out would be more fun than laying in bed bbming Holman and checking the mets score, we went out to get some food and walk around. We found some crazy outdoor fair where we bought brautworst (aka footlong fenway franks) and sat down to eat only to realize that we were the only people under the age of 55 present. We walked around uneventfully a little more, decided that we hated munich, returned to the hostel , showered, and put on our finest silk button downs and driving shoes to experience the famous munich nightlife on the only Saturday night of our trip. As it turns out, our taste of the munich nightlife would consist exclusively of the bar on the first floor of our hostel, which was extremely fun and cheap. Monesplye + Tom posted up at the bar at about 7pm, aka happy hour, generally annoyed by the other drunk Americans at the bar who were participating in some gay bar crawl (slogan: the best night you’ll never remember!!) , and order a round of cocktails to begin the night. We soon strike up a conversation with the broads posted up to our left, one of whom turns out to be Kristin Torrey! Not actually but this girl looked EXACTLY like her it was bizarre. We yap with these girls for a very long time, with splye leading conversation. He tells the story about getting held up on the Canadian border for having pot. They loved it cause they were canucks- splye was basically on fire. One of the girls was a fat blonde (Kristin Torrey) and the other was a generic looking jewess with FT’s, both equally enthralled with spence’s every word. Kristin Torrey talked with a ridiculously girly and annoying voice, but was actually saying really hilarious shit. There was one point where me and mones had lauged at like 4 straight jokes she had made, which is pretty unheard of, and he turns to me and says “she’s on fire” in the voice of Dr. Evil from AP#3 when he says “Scottie’s on fire.” It was on point. We end up getting pretty banged up with these girls for the duration of the happy hour and beyond, they decide to stay at the hostel bar, and we decide to go out and see what munich nightlife outside the Euro Youth Hostel has to offer- which is apparently NOT MUCH. We walked out of the hostel like 20 feet behind 4 other girls and a few blocks down the road they ask us if we have a bottle opener, Tom opens her bottle with his teeth, and they instantly love us. One of them was a Japanese girl who spoke English with an incredibly strong british accent which we all agreed wierded us out. Some other girl was from Lake Tahoe and was nonsensically explaining to us how there are a lot of dead people at the bottom of the lake and when global warming happened they were all gonna rise to the surface and destroy the lake’s natural beauty …or something. She was also telling us how the guy who discovered the Titanic explored the bottom of the lake and may or may not have discovered treasure but he won’t tell anyone, so we still don’t know or something. It was hilarious we were like laughing in her face. We all decided to go to this Australian bar, get there only to find it is closed, strike up a conversation with a bunch of brits who were there for their buddy’s bachelor party, and follow them cause they say they’re going to some club. Monesplye + Tom walks about 5 blocks with this crew, realize we are all wearing like running shoes and that the bar at the hostel was more fun, and we slip away unannounced to go back to the hostel. We post up at a table, KT and the Jewess come over , and we keep boozing with them until the wee hours until we all responsibly decide to retire to bed. As we are bidding these girls goodbye, KT hugs spencer and whispers in his ear “you’re my favorite!” It was hilarious, splye was pretty pumped. The next day we awake too late to go on the bike tour and go to some glorious breakfast place that has pancakes, omlettes, fried eggs, etc and had a good meal. We then abandon all plans to go on tours, see the sites, etc and decide to go to the English Garten, the largest urban public park in Europe or something. Mones bets Tom a beer that it’s 10 times as big as central park, which is ridiculous, and it turns out to be like 20 acres bigger and mones has yet to buy Tom that beer. We walk around the park, encounter some ridiculous like white water river that people in wet suits are literally surfing on, and go post up on a bench and yap about hilarious stories from high school and the such. Splye relays the story about Holman finding that email from some beta dude which eventually leads to him getting sucker punched at Mcguinnes, which I thought was hilarious. After several hours in the park we go to this enormous beer garden and get delicious food and extremely large beers. On one side we were sitting next to a group of asian tourists who literally took a picture of each other eating with like blank looks on their face every 3 seconds. They then proceed to start videotaping each other which was so bizarre/hilarious that we take a secretly take a picture. On the other side of us were a bunch of drunk American college students that were being extremely unpopular and annoying. One of the girls went to cheers her friend with these huge mugs and she did it so hard that her mug shattered in her hand and everyone around her said “whooaa” really loud and she loved it. We leave after an hour or so and return to the hostel moderately drunk and extremely tired at like 11. We watch a little of some soccer game and retire to bed early cause we had a 7 hour train to Prague today that left at like 8 in the morning. We are now preparing for our first night out in prague. There will be blood.